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Brenda: Much of this song is based on intimate personal experience. Others diagnosed with sleep apnea confirm similar situations when donning their life-saving head gear. Stylin'!

lyrics

Words & music by Brenda Sinclair Sutton
©2008 Mad Tom Music

Like many folks older than forty
I found I’d developed a snore.
At first I was rustling curtains,
But soon I was rattling doors,
And then I was napping at red lights,
And falling asleep at my desk.
Up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down all evening,
And not getting any good rest.

So, I went to my doctor who tested me
All wired and watched in my bed.
Results that came back were conclusive,
And this is what my doctor said:
“Brenda, your brain wakes you up on the average
Twenty-six times an hour all night.
That scary because <LONG PAUSE> you stop breathing.
No wonder you’re not feeling right.

“Don’t despair. We will keep you from dying,
Although sadly there isn’t a cure.
We’re hooking you up to a CPAP machine.
We call this new model Allure! (Oooh la la!)This snout mask of rubber and plastic
Hooks on with a thingamajiggy.
The nose hose connects to air pressure
And melds Darth Vadar’s hiss with Miss Piggy. (Ooooh, Kermy, it’s so SEXy!)

“We’ll top off the look with a chin strap
That easily Velcros in place.
Bustiers from Victoria’s Secret
Can’t compete with what’s latched to your face.”The first night that I wore my CPAP
And my sweet lover joined me in bed,
Turned toward me for our goodnight kisses,
And then saw what was strapped to my head. (Aaaagh! Run away, run away, run away!)

Next morning we awoke quite grumpy.
The next week was even more grim.
This CPAP was killing our sex life.
So, now I am saying to him,
“Oh, please hug me out in the hallway,
Or smooch before getting in bed,
For once I’m decked out in my CPAP
All hope for amour will be dead.

“The hoses and mask make it hard, dear,
To hear whispering in my ear,
So, please kiss me out in the hallway.
I’m still buried under this gear.
Oh, tickle my bum in the hallway.
Slip me some tongue in the hallway.Hell, take me right here in the hallway
Before I slip into this gear.
Try some pre-CPAP foreplay, my dear.”

credits

from And They Said It Wouldn't Last, released August 16, 2016
Words & music by Brenda Sinclair Sutton
©2008 Mad Tom Music

Brenda: Vocals, Shaker, Congas; Bill: Guitar, Bass

Recorded at Bedlam House Studios

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Bill & Brenda Sutton Indianapolis, Indiana

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